Jokes From Forum Sebelah ( Kaskus )

The Pope and the Trooper

The Pope comes to America. Of course, he’s very busy.
Masses, rallies, dinners, events, etc. For security, he has
the same limo driver daily.

One evening at a banquet, he sees a chance to sneak
away unnoticed. He goes out back, finds his limo, knocks
on the window and finds the driver lounging in the rear seat
eating a huge sandwich with his feet up on the seat.

Driver: Your holiness! I’m so sorry. Where can I take you?
Forgive me!

Pope: Sit, eat, my son. Truthfully, I’d like to take the car for
a drive. I’m the Pope, and everything is done for me. I’ve
never driven an automobile. Please allow me.

Driver: Certainly, Your Holiness. Let me assist.

Pope: Sit, my son. Finish your dinner.

The Pope begins to drive. Naturally, he is not very good at it
as he has never done this before. After hitting several
parked cars, lamp posts, and stop signs, he is pulled over
by a state trooper.

The police man gets out of his cruiser, approaches the
driver’s window and knocks. The Pope lowers the window,
Trooper eyes the scene and retreats to his cruiser. Immediately,
he grabs his cell phone and phones the governor.

Trooper: Governor, this is State Trooper Wilson. I’ve just
pulled over the most important person in the world for a
serious traffic violation but I don’t know what to do.

Gov: Wilson, who could you possibly have pulled over?

Trooper: I have no idea, but he’s sitting in the back seat of a
limo, eating a sandwich and the Pope is his driver!

Canadians and Americans
Avoid a Naval Battle


This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a
US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released
by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South
to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees
the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say
again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS
LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED
STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY
THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS.

I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15
DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE
UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!

Speeding Ticket

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police
helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began
to issue a traffic ticket.

“How did you know I was speeding?” the frustrated driver
asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.

“You mean,” asked the motorist, “that even He is against
me?”

A Real-Life Sherlock Holmes

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective
Sherlock Holmes, told of a time when he climbed into a taxi
cab in Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned
to him and asked, “Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?”

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever
seen him before.

“No, sir,” the driver responded, “I have never seen you
before.”

Then he explained: “This morning’s paper had a story about
you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand
where people who return from Marseilles always come to.
Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink
spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are
a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French.
Adding up all those pieces of information, I deduced that
you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”

“This is truly amazing!” the writer exclaimed. “You are a real
life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!”

“There is one other thing,” the driver said.
“What is that?”

“Your name is on the front of your suitcase.”

Jumping Off The
Empire State Building


Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State
Building.

One turns to the other and says: “You know last week I
discovered that if you jump from the top of this building - by
the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the
building are so intense that they carry you around the
building and back into the window.”

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while
wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: “What are you, a nut? There is no way
that could happen.”

1st Man: “No, it’s true. Let me prove it to you.” So he gets
up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the
street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind
whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor
window, and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: “You know, I saw that with my own
eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.”

1st Man: “No, I’ll prove it again” and he jumps and hurtles
toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries
him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs,
he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th
floors... and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’

Back upstairs, the Bartender turns to the other drinker:
“You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you drink.”

AUDI - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW - Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window

BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
Dead or Dying Gas Eater
Dear Old Dad’s Geriatric Express

FORD - First On Recall Day
First On Race Day
First On Rust and Deterioration

GM - General Maintenance
Great Mistake
GMC- Garage Man’s Companion

Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA - Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing’s

Drivable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
PINTO - Put In New Transmission Often
PONTIAC - Poor Old Neanderthal Thinks Its A Cadillac
TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners
VW - Virtually Worthless

Jerks of the Highway

One afternoon, this guy drives down a highway to visit a
nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, a man
dressed from head to toe in red is standing on the side of
the highway and gestures for him to stop.

He rolls down the window and says, “How can I help you?”

“I am the red jerk of the highway. You got something to
eat?”
With pleasure, he hands a sandwich to the guy in red and
drives away. Not even five minutes later, he comes across
another guy. This guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on
the side and waving for him to stop.

A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and
says, “What can I do for you?”

“I am the yellow jerk of the highway. You got something to
drink?”

Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the guy a can
of Coke and stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In
order to make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides
to go faster and not to stop, no matter what.

To his frustration, he sees another guy on the side of the
road, this one dressed in blue and signaling for him to stop.
Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls
down his window, and yells, “Let me guess. You’re the blue
jerk of the highway, and just what the hell do you wanna
have?”

“Driver’s license and registration, please.”

A Child’s Perspective

Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she
asked, “Did God made you, Grandpa?”

“Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered. A few
minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me
too?”

“Yes, He did,” the older man answered. For a few minutes,
the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as
her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather
wondered what was running through her mind. At last she
spoke up.

“You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job
lately.”